EVIDENCE OF ANCIENT CIVILISATION UNCOVERED

Experts agog!

By a Staff Reporter

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The last million years of human evolution has seen the rise of hominids from a timid scavenger to a dominating species, homo sapiens. Among the successes are simian sidelights, daring departures that floundered, and disasters that set proto-humans back on their heels. Five hundred thousand years ago just such a disaster struck the eastern seaboard of Australia, turning the quiet northern beachside suburb of Killajoy into a flaming, volcanic hell. Well, it wasn't a beachside suburb then...or was it? In a surprising discovery that has pushed back human occupation of Australia by 450,000 years, a party of archaeologists sponsored by the National Geographic Society and the Department of Disunity Services has released its findings. We at WAW are proud to talk with Mary and Louis Leakey, preeminent specialists in the field of human evolution.

WAW: Dr Leakey, why have you chosen to visit Australia?

LL: Money. That whole Rift Valley thing wasn't paying the rent. Your government, particularly your excellent Minister, Mr Shortly, and the Disunity Services in general have sponsored my trip and made it all worthwhile.

WAW: So the Department of Disunity Services are paying you and your wife to excavate this new archaeological site at Killajoy?

LL: No, no, no. They are employing me as an RCA. Residential Care Archaeologist. I help facilitate independence and foster community integration...on my ADO they let me look at the fossils.

WAW: ADO? What is that, exactly?

LL: Archaeologist's Day Off. Is that exact enough for you?

ML: And I'm acting as an Assistant Manager at the Sacrificial Centre.

WAW: Yes, I hear that's all the rage at the moment.

ML: Can we talk about our momentous discoveries, now?

WAW: Quite... Killajoy. Dr Leakey, just what is so special about this site?

LL: Well, it's completely, perfectly, preserved, for a start. And it has changed the way we think about human evolution.

WAW: Why so?

LL: Well, here we have an early hominid group showing signs of ritual behaviour, organisational skill and caring for people by managing better. Look at this cave painting...extraordinary, isn't it?

WAW: Looks just like three gingerbread men holding hands...

ML: Exactly what I thought. I told you that, Louis!

LL: Yeah, yeah..so it's gingerbread men, Mary. But the understanding that lies behind these gingerbread men! Think about it! Over five hundred thousand years ago we had hominids linking families, individuals and communities. Amazing.

WAW: Tell us what else you've found, Dr Leakey.

LL: A society that worshipped "the photocopier". How about that! Not a photocopier as we know it but a prehistoric alien god! We excavated one building to find a room containing a large specimen of this strange creature plus her smaller progeny, a calf. We are divided as to whether this creature was farmed by the human inhabitants or, more likely, that the creature enslaved the hominids to do its bidding. The remains of many people were found clustered around the creatures, many of them with their hands to their heads, as if pulling their hair out--perhaps as a sacrifice to their god?

ML: And in a room close by and diagonally opposite, one female was found. Clearly this one was important to the community, for she had a large board on the wall with the names of what we presume to be sacrifices written down. She was surrounded by metal and plastic boxes, as were many other people at the site. Significantly, she had the room to herself. Evidently she was very special and treated accordingly.

LL: Along the corridor, past rooms filled with strange boxes and a general morass, was a human male seated at a desk, pen in hand. In front of him appeared to be a chequebook with a payment made out to "The Evil Lord of Kamboring". Presumably a bribe to try to win favour of some sort. This man had a room to himself as well but no board on the wall. In fact, nothing on the wall at all. There was another plastic and metal box on his desk, as well.

WAW: This is amazing! Communication skills, motor skills...hundreds and thousands of years ago.

LL: It gets stranger. There was a woman in the farthest room locked in an embrace with a very blackened knight. We can only guess: was this romance or something more sinister?

ML: I think it shows the romantic side of our ancestors.

LL: Opposite this woman's room was another, very special room. Evidence was found not only of human remains but also of other animals, ground up and baked into pastry. One very slightly built human female was found with two of these sinister objects in front of her plus another, perhaps sweeter, offering. Have a look at these fossils we've brought along...

WAW: She's very fine boned. Ooops! Sorry, she just feel apart in my hands!

LL: Cool bananas. We've called her Loosely...that's an archaeologist's joke...ha, ha. Geddit? We called our first African Australopithecine 'Lucy'...oh well. Any way, this female was also thought important as she appeared to hold the attention of her doting subjects, both male and female, who were either side of her at a round table.

ML: And look at how short they all are! All of these followers were short in stature, even the male. Was this a private club based on height? Or were they representatives of a quasi-species of the Australopithecines? Perhaps we have found Australopithecus Whatsonus at last!

ML: Except when you look at that small male. He seems rather like a Homo Erectus to me, dear, don't you think?

LL: In profile, sure. Here I have his skull. Huge cranium, I must say.

ML: I wasn't looking at the head, dear. Anyway, stranger still was that only the "leader" seemed to belong on this site. The others had no rooms of their own that we could establish.

LL: And yet there was plenty of room for them at Killajoy! Astounding that they should be kept away from their leader.

WAW: So where did they come from?

ML: We have started digging up some artefacts from a site some ten kilometres south of Killajoy. That's the most likely area.

WAW: Why's that?

LL: We found these forms, you see, and after deciphering them we deduced that they were some kind of log of vehicle journeys. There's one site called 'Kings Cross' that appears very regularly...we'll dig there next.

WAW: They had vehicles? Early proto-humans had cars?

ML: Would you prefer that they all hitchhike?

WAW: Sorry.

LL: Upstairs was even more intriguing. More rooms, some empty, some not. One male (a God-King?) in his own room was facing down a corridor where many young female humans were to be found. A harem?

ML: Always thinking of sex, Louis, aren't you! What about this other room! It contained the greatest mother lode of fine jewellery yet to be uncovered anywhere! The human female found in that room was thought to be a sacrifice. Chemical analysis of her remains has revealed a great deal of false colouring. Evidently she was dressed and coloured, ready to meet her god. And, interestingly, the room was full of paper. Would the God-King light this paper and sacrifice the bejewelled female to the greater deity, known, apparently, as the "Ministerial"? We can only guess.

WAW: Truly startling.

ML: There's much more. Many more bodies were found including a strange new species that we are calling Homo Administratus. An ugly, twisted creature with a strange obsession with money. Oh, and tell the readers about Homo Robustus! Found in a swamp at the site called Bulimia!

LL: And the ritual cremation at that other site, the Carry-on one. Very strange! Oh, and the bronze mother earth goddess we found there! A-mazing.

WAW: Mary and Louis Leakey, thank you for your time.

Are we going too far? The following advertisement recently appeared on our fax machine in the WAW HQ.

"BEHAVIOUR MANAGEMENT TOOLKITS. Endorsed by the Draining Resource Unit. Complete and fully guaranteed. Improve your success rate with a professionally produced and presented MANAGEMENT PLAN. Deal direct with the EXPERTS. Also slightly used 17th century armour. Call Angular NOW on 981 3666!"

We at WAW are concerned at recent trends towards implementation of the user-pays principle to the field of disunity services. So we had a chat with the well-known mole, the deep threat of disunity, Ms Likely Whipping, to find out what's on.

WAW: User-pays. Can we afford it?

LW: Can we continue without it? We have to be realistic.

WAW: Is there nothing we can do?

LW: The last Area Dismemberment Meeting gave the go-ahead to a whole range of cutbacks. Indy is going ahead with not paying the phone bill, for instance.

WAW: How can Disunity continue without telephones?

LW: Indy thinks we don't use alternative communication methods enough. Pigeons, compic, Morse. You know. We'll cope.

WAW: What else?

LW: Standardised programming. We are to photocopy all TA's and just white-out the client's name. It's more efficient.

WAW: Is this a good trend?

LW: This is a short term solution, not a trend.

WAW: Why's that?

LW: The photocopier won't work after Indy stops paying the electricity bill.

WAW: Thank you for talking with us, Likely.

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